Don't go in the cellar. Don't go in the cellar! No, no.
The name of the movie is Don't Go in the Cellar!
And there goes your head.
Stupid teenagers.
He's inside my house?
Oh, my gosh. Louise, why are you practicing so late?
I'm sorry, Dad. I forgot this was your TV time.
All right. Look, you know, I got the premium package.
I told you, if I don't watch five hours of TV a day,
I'm throwing money out the window.
Well, I have to practice.
Grandma and Grandpa are coming for my recital tomorrow.
You remember my recital, right?
Remember? You kidding me? I'm your roadie, man.
Sound check is at 11:00 sharp. And sober. All right?
How come you didn't practice this earlier, you know?
Well, I had choir practice after school, then volleyball,
then I had to study for my geography test,
and then I had my math tutor.
That's too much stuff, Louise.
When are you gonna take time to be a kid?
In my late 30s, like you.
I'd ground you for that, but then I wouldn't have anybody to play with.
I'm gonna go watch baseball. Play me out.
Okay.
Charge!
- I can't take this. - Look, it's almost over.
Louise is gonna be playing in... Oh, dear God, she's freaking last.
- I'm making a break for it. - What?
Act natural. Be cool. Be cool.
Take a break. Take a break. All right.
All right. Come on.
Go back. Go back.
This concludes our concert.
I think all of your children were simply marvelous,
and I look forward to seeing all of you at the next recital
- at the McMartins' house next week. - What?
Should I bring? Ham? Jell-O salad?
I'll start working on both.
Oh, my gosh. I don't mind listening to my own daughter,
but three hours of listening to other kids?
I was willing my appendix to burst.
Well, I'll tell you one good thing that came out of that recital.
I don't fear death anymore.
You've got a real prodigy
- on your hands, Allison. - Mmm-hmm.
Please don't squander her talents the way you did yours.
Okay, look, Mom, I was never going to become an Olympic gymnast.
- I have bad depth perception. - Fine, so gymnastics wasn't your thing.
- But you were an excellent swimmer. - Oh, I was.
With your tiny breasts and your huge feet,
you could glide through that water like a little seal.
Okay, look, Mom, no one is squandering Louise's talents. Okay?
We both encourage her to explore all of her interests.
Did I tell you she's starting Mandarin lessons tomorrow?
- What? You didn't tell me. - Yeah.
Oh, my granddaughter, the concert cellist who speaks Chinese.
Oh, I can't wait to whip that one out
when my neighbor brags about her blind daughter
who climbed Everest.
Wait, whoa, whoa. Time out. Wait a second here.
Why does Louise have to take Chinese?
When the Chinese take over the world,
they're gonna teach it to us all for free in the re-education camps.
Okay, look. Gary, Louise is an exceptional child.
She needs to stay stimulated.
Yeah, but she's too stimulated. She's...
You know, she's got volleyball and cello, and now Chinese?
I mean, she's pretty. She doesn't have to be smart.
Oh.
She's taking Mandarin.
- Maybe she's not. - Maybe she is.
Maybe I'll pull out the big gun on this one.
Oh, please. What? You're gonna pull out your veto here?
- Try me. - What are you two talking about?
When we were in marriage counseling,
they gave us a tool to get through deadlocks.
The veto. You get one a year, it's ironclad,
and the other one has to honor it.
- Hey, maybe we... - No.
Gary, think about this.
I mean, all the career opportunities this could open up for Louise.
- A translator. - Veto.
- Ambassador. - Veto.
International trade lawyer?
Wait. Wait a second. What was that last one?
- International trade... - Veto.
Gary!
The veto is finito
All right, fine. But that is your veto for the year.
Great. Fine with me. I would do it again if I had to.
Sayonara, Chinese.
- That's Japanese. - I guess we'll never know, will we?
Hey, Mom, when's the recital gonna start?
It's over, Tommy. You slept through the whole thing.
Well, but I was here, so it counts, right?
Yes, you were here. You were here and accounted for. That counts.
All right. I'm gonna go tell Louise she was great. She was, wasn't she?
Yeah.
You know, rather than focusing on Louise,
you might wanna spend some time on Tom.
Now, that's a boy that needs to be interested in something.
Tommy's good at a lot of things. He's got hobbies.
You know, he... He can fall asleep anywhere, you know.
Hey, what about golf?
I was gonna play 18 holes at Rancho tomorrow and I was...
May I please play 18 holes at Rancho tomorrow?
You know, that's a great idea, Charlie. Let's get Tommy interested in golf.
- Can we play? - All right.
But no beer, no cigars,
and it wouldn't kill you to walk the course.
If it would, I'd walk it.
Well, Tom, welcome to heaven on Earth.
What makes you think I'm gonna like golf so much?
Well, because every guy loves golf.
Hey, you're walking around in the great outdoors.
- You're drinking beer, you're cussing. - Yeah, I like the hell out of that.
How about no cussing today?
- Can I have a beer? - No.
So basically we're just in the great outdoors?
Yeah. Have fun.
I'm just gonna sit over here and study for my history test.
Okay, Tom, I want you to bend your knees,
keep your head down.
All right, eyes on the ball, and make sure you follow through.
Jeez! Are you okay, Dad?
No, I'm not okay. The ball hit me in my neck.
Okay, well, that'll happen, Tom-Tom.
You know, you can't learn golf that quickly. You gotta keep trying.
Here we go. Try it again.
Here we go.
- Sorry! - In 35 years of golf,
I've never seen anyone lose a shoe.
I guess I'm trying too hard, huh?
Yeah, well, that's the spin we'll put on it.
Now, from now on, what I want you to do
is to really concentrate on keeping your feet planted.
Oh.
Yes! I hit it farther than Tom.
Nice... Nice shot, Louise.
Yeah, well, I'd like to see you ricochet one off the wall
and then hit Dad in the neck.
Here, Louise. Why don't you try hitting another one?
Okay.
- I lost it. - It's not coming down.
- I hit that sign. Sorry. - That's okay.
That's just put out there so people know how far away 200 yards is.
So how long has your daughter been playing?
Including today? One minute.
Don't beat yourself up over it, Tom, okay?
I know, but that guy seemed really mad about his windshield.
All right, look, forget about it.
He'll get over it. Bentley, very common car.
Look, nobody learns golf and is good at it on the first try.
- Nobody. - Hey, look, Tom. Check it out.
Stop showing off, Louise.
Hey, I'm still gonna get my license before you.
You realize you have to take a test for that, right?
A test? What?
- I did it, Charlie. - Yeah.
I'm a golf dad!
You know, Tiger Woods bought his parents a mansion
and cars and trips.
I know I'm just the grandfather, but Louise knows I love her, right?
Well, yeah. Listen, I got to run this by Allison.
- We got to get her into lessons. - Yeah, right, Allison.
You know, I don't think she's gonna be quite as thrilled as we are.
Whoa, wait. Why not?
When Ally was younger, I tried to get her interested in golf
by sort of shoving it down her throat.
- She never told me that. - Yeah, well, it ended kind of ugly.
I think it really peaked when she ran away from golf camp down in Florida.
She was never the same sweet little nine-year-old
after they pulled her out of the Everglades.
- No. - No wonder she hates golf.
Mmm-hmm. And leeches.
God. She's got to go along with this golf thing. I just...
I wish I didn't veto Chinese the way that I did.
Yeah, well, you did lay it on pretty thick.
I love to torture Allison.
If only there was a way I could get her to use her veto on something else.
- Wait a minute, what'd you just say? - I love to torture Allison.
No, after that.
I should get her to use her veto on something else.
That is a great idea.
- That's what I should do, right? - Yes.
Good grief, what is that horrible noise?
Sounds like some nut on a motorcycle.
And it seems to be getting louder, doesn't it?
- Was that Gary? - God, he's in the garage.
Here. Gary! What the hell are you doing?
I bought Tom a dirt bike.
What? Okay, wait a minute. So you bought our son a motorcycle?
You said get him interested in something. He'll be interested in this.
Okay, Gary, are you a complete idiot? Dirt bikes are dangerous.
Yeah, this is the single most irresponsible act of parenting
I have ever seen. Boy, if I could, I would veto the hell out of this.
What? Don't say that. Don't say that, Charlie.
Come on. Stay out of it. This is about my son becoming a man, okay?
- No, no, no. Dad's right. - Allison, please.
- Don't use your veto on the motorcycle. - I'm sorry. You know what?
- I have to. I'm gonna... - Hold on, dear. Hold.
- What? What? - Now, I can't put my finger on it,
but there's something weird going on here,
and Charlie is doing that bad acting thing he does
every time he wants to get away with something.
What? Are you saying my concern
for the well-being of my grandson is just an act?
Well, how dare you!
All right, Gary, what's going on?
Why are you trying so hard to get me to use my veto?
What? No. I don't want you to use your veto on a dirt bike.
Okay. All right. Fine. Tom!
- What're you doing? - What?
Well, you think Tommy should ride a dirt bike, then that's what he'll do.
Good. Then you call him. Get him down here.
- What's going on? - Look what your dad got you.
You bought me a dirt bike?
You betcha.
- Mom, you're okay with this? - Oh, yeah.
If your dad thinks it's a good idea, then it must be a good idea.
- Is it, Dad? - It's a real good idea, Tommy.
- Mom? - Oh, come on, Tommy. Get up there.
I mean, what's the worst that can happen?
I don't know. Having to learn how to type with a pencil taped to my nose?
- Come on, Tommy, jump in the saddle. - Yeah, get on the bike, Tom.
Yeah.
- All right. Look at you. Huh? - Yeah.
Look how great he looks up there, Gary.
- Yeah. - Right?
Why don't you start it up, sweetie?
Yeah, Tom. Start your new dirt bike. Be a man.
- Turn it off! Turn it off! - What? What? What? What?
Come on. Come on, don't be afraid. Get back up there.
You know, I heard something weird with the axle-rose connector.
I heard something to do with...
You can't ride this until I get it checked out, Tom.
Oh, thank God.
I don't know what's going on here, Gary, but I don't like it.
Nothing, nothing, nothing is going on here, Allison. Okay?
The only problem with that motorcycle, it's not big enough.
I'm gonna buy him a bigger motorcycle. And a knife.
Am I the only one left sane around here?
Fore!
- Oh, nice! - Oh. Hey, Louise. Nice shot!
Thanks, Mom. That's my third one in a row.
Well, that's great, honey. Three in a row. That is great.
- Veto. - What?
Yeah.
- Are you vetoing paper cups? - No, Gary. I'm vetoing golf.
- No! - Golf. That's what this is all about.
You want Louise to play golf? I'm gonna tell you something right now.
My daughter is not playing that awful sport.
You got to see how good she is. She's a phenom. She's amazing.
- Don't veto golf! - You know what? You know what?
She would've been really good at Chinese, too, Gary.
Come on. A billion people speak Chinese.
Why do they need one more?
- Veto! - Please!
Finally, it's an activity that I can enjoy with my daughter.
- Something I'm interested in. - All right, all right.
So, if it really means that much to you maybe I can... Veto!
Now, look, Ally, just... Why don't you... Why don't you do it for me, huh?
Let's not kid each other here. I'm not getting any younger,
and I would love to see my little Louise play golf
before the Big Guy signs my scorecard.
Oh, please. You'll die when I'm done with you.
Oh.
That's it, Charlie.
It's the death of a dream. I saw it all.
I saw little Louise playing in the Dinah Shore Classic.
On the 18th hole she sinks a 30-footer, the place goes crazy.
And she looks right into the camera and goes, "That was for my dad."
And then she tosses me the keys to a brand-new Saturn she won.
Look at me, Gary. What do you see?
A guy with a mustache that's mostly nose hair.
Gary, it's you in 20 years if you don't do something to change it.
Oh, Ghost of Gary Future, it's you I fear most of all. Come on.
Charlie, I'm sorry I disappointed you.
But it's the veto. It's the one thing we have to respect.
Oh, nut up, Betty.
This is bigger than any stupid little agreement.
We are talking about Louise's future.
Look, I bet you can't name me one famous cellist.
- Yo-Yo Ma. - See? See?
See, because there aren't any!
But you can rattle on famous golfers all day long.
And maybe one of those names could be Lulu Brooks.
- Lulu? - Lulu! See, it chants a lot better.
- Lulu. - Yeah. Hey, it's up to you, Gary.
I leave it up to you. But when you're my age,
do you wanna be looking back at Sundays spent
in some stuffy old concert hall,
or walking the links of Pebble Beach half in the bag?
- Nice shot, Dad. - Thanks, sweetheart.
I still feel weird about skipping cello practice.
Well, we all do things we feel weird about that might be wrong.
After a while, that feeling goes away.
And if the feeling goes away, was it ever really wrong?
Great. Louise, why don't you go practice
some chip shots out of the sand trap? And remember...
I know. Hit two inches behind the ball and follow through. I got it. Yeah.
Don't tell the boy, but she's my favorite now.
- Oh. It's Connie. - Don't answer it.
No, no. Don't worry. I got it covered.
Connie had me record Louise's recital the other day.
Something about memories.
Hey, Buttercup.
Just calling to see how Louise's cello practice is going.
Oh, it's wonderful. I'm so proud of our little angel.
You should see her. She's playing like a pro.
Chuckles, I am so happy you wanted to go to Louise's cello practice.
It's not like you.
Well, it's the new me, Buttercup.
You know, and I think I'm gonna be going
to a lot of Louise's practices from now on.
Well, put your hat back on. You're not supposed to get sun.
All right, thanks, dear.
- We're dead. - What? Why?
Great. It's the two Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
It was Gary's idea!
He told me if I didn't play along, I'd lose my social security.
How did you guys find us?
Louise's cello teacher called asking where she was.
Cello? Oh, cello!
When you said take her to cello, I thought you said take her to golf.
You know, Mom said you guys would be out here playing golf,
and I said, "Of course not because Gary would never do that.
"Because I vetoed golf,
"and veto is the one thing that we both respect."
Gary, how am I supposed to ever trust you again?
What? I don't... I don't know what you're saying. I'm sorry.
He thinks you're playing his ball.
I'm not playing his ball. I'm playing my ball.
Look, that's my... That's my...
I forgive you, Gary.
- Come on, honey, let's go, let's go. - Oh, time out.
I'm curious as to how my daughter is fluent in a language that I vetoed?
Uh, you know. Kids. What? Did you pick it up off the street?
They're like little sponges, you know.
- Come on, honey. Let's go. - Yeah. Time out. Back it up.
Whatever happened to "Gary, the veto is the only thing we have to respect"?
Okay, okay, I ignored your veto. Okay, but you ignored mine.
But you ignored my veto first.
- My veto was finito. - Yes, but Gary, you didn't know that,
- so technically, you... - But if my veto...
Enough!
Who cares who did what first?
The point is you should be celebrating the fact that you both had a hand
in creating this incredibly, wonderfully talented child.
You're right, Connie.
Thanks, Mom. That's a sweet thing to say.
I would've killed to have had a child with a fraction of this talent.
- Get the clubs. - Yes, dear.
Hey, Gary. I'm taking Louise to cello now.
You can pick her up at 1:30, take her to volleyball practice.
And tomorrow, she has debate before school,
so you have to take her early.
Yeah. And then Saturday I'm taking her to golf
from 7:00 in the morning to noon.
But be sure to pop in her Chinese tape on the way to the course
so she'll be ready for her Wednesday night lesson.
Is it too late to veto having a second child?
I'm kidding. What? She's enriched our lives in so many wonderful ways.
Come on, Mommy. Grandma's in the car.
She says if we don't hurry up, she's going to go ahead and smoke.
Okay. Coming.
Well, Gary, it looks like you may get to walk the links
at Pebble Beach after all, there, golf dad.
Thank you for... You know what?
Thanks for giving me the courage to break
- that veto agreement, you know. - Hey. Hey.
If only there was something we could find for Tommy
that he's good at.
- Hey, guys. - Hey, Son.
Hey, Tom.
There's got to be something he's good at.